Alternative Acceptance Speech

Tonight I wish to thank you all,

For voting me to be,

Receiving this gilded statue,

With hasty scribbled speech.

Raise a cheer but before you clap,

Pray first applaud my seat.

It bore the weight of years of work,

Close rival to my feet.

Each buttock cheek neatly enshrined,

We grew so intimate,

Supported so reliably,

It barely creaked its fate.

So now I hope you understand,

Why I’m keeping one spare,

Of all the false tears shed I save,

A real one for my chair.